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1.
I had my own apartment then. My first apartment and me and two friends had picked up 10 grams in the city. We went back home to me. Then all of a sudden, I just wake up on the floor, it may have been four o‘clock at night and I can hear someone knocking somewhere. What the hell is happening? I lived on the ground floor and my two friends stood on the balcony and banged on the window and they were very distressed. So when I got up to let them in I hear the doorbell ringing. I thought something must have happened so I started to hide the fact that we‘ve had a fucking junkie party here. So I take the beers and I go and look through the keyhole on the door. Then I see that there are 4 ambulance men outside there so I think “what the hell is this?”. So I gather courage and open ... “Hi” “Hi, are you Mikael Hägglund?” I answered “Yes” “How are you?” “I‘m doing fine” “Ok, we‘ve got a call saying you‘re not” Down we fall I‘m drifting out, away from life Venom, flows in my veins Eyes, clouded in blackness As the past twists and fade Into grey Four steps from the edge I return from death And hide in plain sight When they knock on the door I believe that as a child you are born with an enormous love for your parents, and it takes a very long time before it goes away. But I think that at the age of 12-13 I started to feel… that I almost did not belong. My family did not become my safe space. An absent father A loving mother The charade I maintain The secrets I keep In a bottomless chasm I left myself alone Det duger bra För en stund Kan jag sjunka ner i dyn Jag somnar in Och för en stund Har jag glömt mig själv “You look abit worried, is everything alright?” “I‘ve just had some beer, it‘s all good” “Is it okay for us to check your blood pressure?” “Absolutely” So I held out my hand and put on one on those things that you check your blood pressure with. “You have quite high blood pressure, you should rest and don’t drink anymore for now. Try get some sleep, Call if you need anything”. “Absolutely, I promise. Thanks for coming”. I closed the door and started to wondered what the hell happened?
2.
How much can you take Until your body breaks Lies and deception Flowers and misdirection A lifeless diversion Left to rot So I wake up. I do not know if I woke up from the signals but it was early in the morning and checked my phone and then there are 15 missed calls from my mother. Calling her. “What happened? What did you do yesterday? Your friend called us”. My sister was alone at night, and my friend had called her and said that Mikael has taken an overdose, I do not know if he is alive. Alla har en plats i mörkret Det finns många sätt att fly Livets smällar blir för hårda Och du fastnar där en stund Jag önskar någon hade sett dig Någon som förstod Att vissa vägar är för svåra Att vandra för oss själva How much can you take Until your body breaks And the ones you love Inherits your plague And dissapears
3.
Forever yours A lost soul Surrendered into the void With your hand in mine We dive And divide As life slips between our fingers Whatever it takes I‘ve made my choice Wherever your love takes me I‘ll follow It turned out that I had been sitting there at the table, then all of a sudden, I just collapsed on the floor and I was pretty much shaking and started to chew froth. So, one of my friends sat down on me. Pushed me down to the ground since I was shaking uncontrollably, and did CPR on me. He got me half conscious, he slapped me over my face, then I passed out again so he continued while the other guy were called 911 and said it was an overdose. When they heard that I… they got some type of contact with me but when they heard the ambulance coming they started to leave since they had alot of drugs and they didn‘t know if the police would show up too. So, they took the stuff and ran around and stood on my balcony and banged on the window so I would wake up. So, he saved my life. Paint the portrait of what‘s to come The sad thing is that he died in an overdose four years later. So, he is not alive anymore. So, 13 friends around me have passed away over the years through different addictions. It would never scare me away. That fact that I have taken an overdosed has never scared me away either. My family, my friends, my children, none of them have been able to change me. The only one who could do it, it was she, and her limitless love for me, and my love for her that made me just give in wholeheartedly and say “I do not want to lose you, I will do anything”. When I look back on it now so… I do not think of about it as I have been sitting and talking about now. I do not think about that much. I think of all our good moments, all the love that was there, all our memories and I feel happy when I think about it. I couldn‘t be there for you I would have nothing without you I am not afraid of emotions anymore, I used to always escape my emotions in one way or the another. I don‘t have to do that anymore, I feel like I can embrace it. I can let the feelings through even if it‘s loneliness, sadness or whatever it is, I know it‘s just a feeling and I know what to do when that feeling comes. I do not have to escape anymore, I just have to acknolwedge that feeling and then feel how it goes away.
4.
Alone 06:20
She could sit just straight up for a week and call people to talk about how ugly and disgusting they were, how much she hated them, how her biggest wish was that they should die. Then she hung up and made the next call and this was to my dad‘s family, to friends and acquaintances so I would always known how sick she is. But then when this week of illness was over, and she calms down again, that‘s when people are charmed by her. I do not know how she did it but she could just joke about it and laugh it off and just be like, “god, I know I got abit crazy there. It‘s like I go outside myself. I do not know who will come in and take over my body when it is like that. But that‘s not me”. Reject me, I‘ll wait Whoever you‘ll become I am magnetic, Polar opposite Through your hard times And your comedown Unshaken A morbid joke For the ones close Your pain is mine And I am yours I‘ll be you guard Wherever you go What happened was that when they started to meet this man, they did not drink at home, she instead started to leave us alone at home alot. Me and my youngers siblings. My little brother was only about a year old and my little sister was probably 3 years old. “So, you were supposed to take care of them?” “Yes” “But you were not old at all.” “No, I was not.” Your shield Your alibi Your protector Your pain is mine to endure Until I fall aswell
5.
The Surface 03:54
From being home alone with my siblings, we sometimes stayed at our dad‘s home who‘s met someone new, and then back with our mom. That period is really dizzy when I think back about it. But I know that this is where the anxiety start, and I felt that there is something wrong with the drinking, and with alcohol. I was very ashamed and when she started to disappear in the evenings ... at that time you didn‘t have cellphones, only your home phone. So, when it rang and someone was looking for my mother, I always said like “… no she is in the shower, she is in the bath, she is out shopping”. I became her defense lawyer and I always protected her so I did not have to tell anyone. Thou, apart from being ashamed to death is that I liked the idea of that other people thought my mother always was funny, always fun-loving and perky. In that way, I kind of could keep that picture of her somewhere if you didn‘t “out” her. So, the surface was always perfect, but inside everything was a mess. A velvet life on the outside We switch roles A husk of a mother Crawling down a pitch black hole You pray for forgiveness And laughs it off Alone in the window Will you come home?
6.
Hope 10:28
There could be times when I had not slept all night, or for a couple of nights. Sometimes my mother was away for 2 days. I remember sitting in the window and looked and checked as soon as a taxi or a bus came and I thought “Is she coming home now?”. We were always bought With pretty things Something new from you For a piece of us Hope remains unchained For a child Who will defend me? When I defend from you “But when your mother was away for two days, what did she say when she got home? Because you were very young?” No, she often had anxiety then. Alot of anxiety, she cried and also had the strangest stories why she had been away. Everything from being kidnapped to being beaten down and unconscious in some bush for two days to… there were so many sick explanations all the time for why she had been gone. Then when she had been crying over it for a while, it was like this. “No, now let’s go to NK and shop for some nice clothes and have a coffee in the city”. So, we would always be bought… and time after time again you want to belive that your parents doesn‘t lie and hope is always present when you are young. If I ever let you go Who would I be? I do not know if she remembers things but she probably would not be able to talk about it. She sometimes call when she‘d thought about it and say, “sorry I gave you a terrible childhood… sorry”. You leave, you leave so easily I still care for you From time to time I‘ve received some help and what it has taught me is that you should not blame yourself. It is not your fault that someone else drinks… above all. But would I say that I am free from co-dependence today… well… no. I don’t think I will ever be completely free. But I‘m very much aware of it.
7.
Cosmopol 08:51
I stood in the bathroom, inside Cosmopol and rinsed my face with cold water and thought “what am I doing?”. Then a guy came in and he said “Hello, damn you‘re on a streak today” I looked at him “Well?” “Everyone can have a little bad luck“ and then he just handed me a stack of money. I looked at him, he was quite short and looked nice. I took the bundle. He didn‘t say much more, he just left me with the bundle of money. So, I went out, started playing again and it didn‘t take very long before the money was gone again. A contract, written in blood Unknowing, unwilling Misery on papper Without doubt or thought I signed Bound to unfourtune I lick the hand that feeds Bound to try again As I bleed Enough was never enough for me A life in dept I can feel their eyes In the back of my neck Endlessly hungers for more They are watching me But this debt, it started to get bigger and they actually started making home visits outside my house when they became threatening. I got scared… really scared. They also started mentioning friends‘ addresses and asking, “do they feel comfortable where they live?”. Then I began to realize, now my gambling has had such consequences that I expose others to danger, what am I doing? Then there was a time when I was waiting for some friends to come to my house. We would smoke some weed and play video games, cook dinner and have a great time… So I called them to see where they were, and they said that they were on their way home to me. So I unlocked the door, Went inside again and started showering. When I stood in the shower was about to get out and dry, I heard how the front door opened. The bathroom door is closed but I hear how my front door opens, then someone locks it from the inside, and at that point I know that it‘s not my friends. That knowledge, when I‘m actually a terrified guy and I started to realize that I owe money to some who isn’t that nice and they are probably in my small apartment right now.
8.
Behind the door, another broken door There‘s someone inside As I bend my knee I give my life to thee Opressor, enabler Fuel to the fire A collector of grinded teeth Sovereign of tears When I get out there, I remember that there was a well-dressed person that I had never seen before, there were aslo two bigger guys. One sat in my armchair and two sat in my sofa. It was almost like in a movie. It was so damn uncomfortable and I was so scared and they looked at me and saw that I was really scared. They had guns and it was something completely new to me, I had never come in contact with guns before and that type of people. So I had a panic attack and started to cry, I was completely broke and they told me “you have two weeks, otherwise something very bad will happen”. After they had left the only thing I felt was, god I am glad my friends haven‘t arrive yet, they will come soon and I will not have to feel this way. When they do I can go into my little bubble again, and they came shortly afterwards and then it was just a matter of wearing a mask and “hello guys, i’m so glad you came” we sat down and did our thing, and I didn‘t tell them of course. When they left, I lay down and thought to myslef that I have to solve this now, what am I doing. Everything about this mess of loans… the gang behind it… it was the most uncontrollable thing that had ever happened in my whole life. Is there a way out? Sun sets, skies are black Would things be different If I could try again? Pretend and seal the mask I managed in different ways to scrape together this money so that I could pay them off. Even when I was about to hand over the money, I thought “I never want to end up in this situation again I have never been so scared in my whole life. Now I have to figure this out, it has to end ”. Despite that, I started playing again a couple of months later. Apparently there is always a new bottom… you think you have reached your bottom but there is always a new bottom. Now that I look back on it, and feel that fear when I was in the bathroom and I hear that someone is in my apartment… and everything with the guns… that after only a few months I thought to myself, I probably just had some bad luck.
9.
A life about to fall apart What have I become? As the gaze turns inward A spiral of thoughts Wave the white flag And let the black one bow A successful, talented, sensible and smart person in so many aspects, but I didn‘t want to stop gambling since I know I am good at it… That feeling was so strong that I always returned to it. Life was about to fall apart when it actually looked very good on the outside, and then I asked for help from a person who had gone through a twelve-step program and who I had seen had a completely different life. To be calm, be balanced and actually seemed happy as well. So I made that call and asked for help for the first time for real. I said to another addict “please help me, I can not take it anymore”. This was the first time in my life that I have ever done this.
10.
Here 08:48
She could drive us completely crazy. She could sit at the dining table and I was maybe 15-16 so I knew how it worked, and then we had ordered pizza and food. Fat pizza, well that ain‘t good for me since I‘m so fat. I was a 160 cm tall and weighed 48 kilos so I wasn‘t fat at all. But then she could start throw comments and start provoking me. She could go on for hours saying, How disgusting you are when you eat that. Your parents must turn in the grave when they see you eating that pizzaI tried to say sometimes “please, can’t we just sit here and eat? I cannot take it anymore. Please stop”. But she went on and on and finally I snapped, my eyes turned black. So I attacked her and sat over her… and I hit her as hard as I could over the face. I remembered how damn good it felt. Placed on foreign soil Your judging eyes connected to mine You feed me lies And starved me out Left broken With dreams of what I couldn‘t have And so I hurt you The only way I could Left with hate As eating became the escape Left with hate As eating became my escape This particular period is dizzy, I feel dizzy when I talk about it. No time concepts, I just think of all these words she called me and this fucking anxiety I have felt basically every day since I was nine years old. From having moved away from home… lost my parents, Ended up there, she starts drinking, stressing me about food and calling us ugly names, getting completely destroyed. So I was just trying to survive. If I wanna go, jump in the water Does it even matter What does it even matter if I can’t say it I would always be there Everything with the food craziness that I had at home made me start dreaming about food. I thought to myself that when I move away from home, I will eat everything I want. I started fantasizing about cakes and similar things and thought “when I grow up I will eat”… I remember that I started fantasizing about food very early. I finally weighed 120 kilos, huge…I liked just being at home when I had moved away from home to my own apartment. Because there I could shut myself in for days and just eat, but I did not understand it then… I did not realize that I weighed so much. When I look at pictures now, I think “oh my god”.
11.
Walz with the devil Crying out, son These walls gives me comfort, comfort, cure, joy through thou If this continues i know That this is a fact of my own So. We are level, several times a day These walls gives me comfort, comfort, cure joy through thou If this continues i know That this is a fact of my own Now if you could see all the beauty in here the lights and As the time went on, it became strange, especially on the weekends. She started to throw in small comments and there was a lot of weight and appearance fixation around me. So the first thing she did when we moved was that she would try to get me to lose weight because she thought I was too big to be a normal nine-year-old. Well, i was neither thick nor narrow… a chubby child or something like that.
12.
Quiet 05:15
I do not want to live like this… I do not want to live like this, my destiny must be something else. I have aways had a pretty strong will and inner voice but I did not know… I have directed it the wrong way. It has become a mess, and I lost myself. Then I suddenly met a healthy person, a guy, when I was 29 years old and my whole life changed completely. I did not understand anything… god what is happening? From going up and down, I had social phobia, I was shy of people, I was scared to meet new people, I always had to drink when I met someone… but then I met him. He was such a nice human being, as calm and secure as a rock, but then I started to panic. When it all calmed down I started to panic and I thought, “what is this? Can I never feel good? ”. But I didn‘t realize that it would catch up with me, it simply became too calm and my body reacted to it, sending me into another really hard time… it was like I was completely thrown down. I was depressed at the beginning of our relationship, there were huge ups and downs. I had dips for several weeks when I just laid down and felt no happiness or nothing and people said “you should be so grateful, you have such a good guy” but I was completely devastated. Completely destroyed as a human being, and I had never really been allowed to rest. Not rest but just chaos and trauma… my whole life… until I met him. So it was probably my process that started there. When all is quiet Old wounds heal It cannot be undone All nightmares end The process starts A way back Retake a stolen life Born again

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released January 15, 2021

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