N (le gilet fraternel) / Ever felt sad?

from S​/​T by Suffocate for fuck sake

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lyrics

- We stand up and talk next to the high table alongside the bed, and it creates a feeling of waiting for something. But what will we do once we're done waiting? Well, in Hasse's case, there's not much else to do than go to bed.
- But have you really gotten all the help you can get?
- Yeah, yes. I guess it's not possible to operate more, and I don't really know how they have come to that conclusion. I need to go and lay down.

The room is darkened, in order for him to see the computer screen more clearly. The furnishing is for a single person, with the bed in the middle of the room, the TV at the foot of the bed and all the other things on the floor are in general disarray. It's extremely disorganized with stacks of books and papers, coffee mugs, cords and computer stuff. Initially, I become depressed seeing how he lives. Spending entire days here in bed, only to shuffle about every now and then. It's like he has reverted back into a cocoon. But perhaps it's not as depressing as it seems. Because when he's lying there in the dark, something happens to him.

- Wouldn't it be nice to sit down now?
- No, but lying down would be nice.

Its 13 years since we first met. I've always wondered what become of him. I didn't even know he had moved from town. It's like he always waited for something. Better days. That the road would become more accessible. I don't know. I remember he said he would create his own way of supporting himself. He wanted above all to be free, and who doesn't. We were all afraid of finding ourselves living a boring life, and had to be careful not to make the wrong choices and get stuck somewhere.

...and I just realized that it should be boring, but strangely enough it isn't.
No matter how much I try to bore myself, I'm never bored. I'm actually totally busy, all the time.
- Have you felt very sad, when realizing that you're stuck and that the back is so bad that your freedom has become limited?
- Yes, I thought I would feel like that. But I didn't. If you've got music, you've really got everything. You don't care if you've lost a foot, or any of that crap. I haven't gotten a depression due to my condition. It was simply just a statement. Apparently, things didn't get better but so what. It is what it is.

credits

from S​/​T, released January 1, 2004

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