S (lesra) / What would you have done if this never happened?

from S​/​T by Suffocate for fuck sake

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lyrics

- Isn't there any advantage in your life due to the fact that you don't have to deal with all the things outside that people struggle with?
- That I don't have to... yes, perhaps to a certain extent. But it's not worth it. I would rather be healthy and with responsibilities. Actually, I really would, yes.
- But back in the day, when you were healthy and had responsibilities. You were living a life that was quite similar.
- No, back then I was bicycling all year round and I had been both here and there. That's something that hasn't been possible the last seven years. I used to be able to go wherever I want, but now I can't bike. No, it's a great big tragedy, but that's the way it is.
- Would you prefer being the caregiver, rather than the one receiving the help?
- Yeah, I probably would, actually. The thing about mobility, yes, I mean, perhaps I didn't use it to its full extent, but it's still a hassle being tied down.
- What do you think you would have done in your life, if this hadn't happen?
- I guess I would have been on stage, being a musician. That was the original idea. It still is, it's just that I'm pushing it ahead of me. Certain events forced me to postpone it, and it doesn't really matter if it gets done when I'm seventy.

- Who are the people visiting you? You must need a break every now and then.
- Yeah, that's the important thing. Getting out once a week. Then my dear old mother visits about once every month, being motherly.
- How's her health?
- She's in excellent health, considered her health. She's 83 years old and going strong. And to trudge from the city. I don't know how things turn out when you get old, whether or not you walk around waiting for death. Do you often think about death?
- Yes, I do. I've always done that.
- Yes, suddenly you're closing in on fifty, and you start to feel that time rushes by.

It's hard not to feel like Hasse finally defeated the dragon, and that he now has gotten what he wanted; the right to completely decide what to do with his own time, without the demands of other. But the price is enormously high, and this is hardly the life he wanted.

- The future used to be better.

credits

from S​/​T, released January 1, 2004

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