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lyrics

She could drive us completely crazy. She could sit at the dining table and I was maybe 15-16 so I knew how it worked, and then we had ordered pizza and food. Fat pizza, well that ain‘t good for me since I‘m so fat. I was a 160 cm tall and weighed 48 kilos so I wasn‘t fat at all. But then she could start throw comments and start provoking me. She could go on for hours saying, How disgusting you are when you eat that. Your parents must turn in the grave when they see you eating that pizzaI tried to say sometimes “please, can’t we just sit here and eat? I cannot take it anymore. Please stop”.
But she went on and on and finally I snapped, my eyes turned black.

So I attacked her and sat over her… and I hit her as hard as I could over the face. I remembered how damn good it felt.
Placed on foreign soil
Your judging eyes connected to mine
You feed me lies
And starved me out

Left broken
With dreams of what I couldn‘t have
And so I hurt you
The only way I could

Left with hate
As eating became the escape
Left with hate
As eating became my escape

This particular period is dizzy, I feel dizzy when I talk about it. No time concepts, I just think of all these words she called me and this fucking anxiety I have felt basically every day since I was nine years old. From having moved away from home… lost my parents, Ended up there, she starts drinking, stressing me about food and calling us ugly names, getting completely destroyed. So I was just trying to survive.

If I wanna go, jump in the water
Does it even matter
What does it even matter if I can’t say it
I would always be there

Everything with the food craziness that I had at home made me start dreaming about food. I thought to myself that when I move away from home, I will eat everything I want. I started fantasizing about cakes and similar things and thought “when I grow up I will eat”… I remember that I started fantasizing about food very early. I finally weighed 120 kilos, huge…I liked just being at home when I had moved away from home to my own apartment. Because there I could shut myself in for days and just eat, but I did not understand it then… I did not realize that I weighed so much. When I look at pictures now, I think “oh my god”.

credits

from Fyra, track released January 15, 2021

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